I get frustrated.
How many times are you willing to do this with me?
(As many times as it takes.)
Are you really so mad that you just want it to hurt?
Over and over —
Paying the price for a dynamic
you never allowed me to understand
in the first place.
I wouldn’t say you’re good to me —
or that you ever were, really.
You never chose me…
And I think it’s an important distinction:
You chose…
but never me.
I tried a million different ways
to make it work.
I tried to be more.
I tried to be less.
To be friends.
To disappear.
No matter how I showed up,
you were never interested
in making things clear.
If I said,
let’s just be friends —
you blurred the lines.
If I showed up
ready for love —
you never leaned in.
Sitting me in confusion.
Nobody else can have you…But I don’t want you, either.
Left me, hanging on.
Every time.
Over the ledge —
while you stood safely at the top.
And if I ever climbed up there…
You’d push me off —
still gripping the rope
you’d tied around my waist.
And everyone told me —
again and again —
to leave you the fuck alone.
And every time —
again and again —
I’d start back in.
Whether you came back…
or I did.
I kept playing along
as if there was anything in it for me.
Knowing full well…
I made myself so mad
not even understanding.
Why I couldn’t let go
of someone I didn’t even like.
Or respect.
To eventually figure out…
The addiction to a Pattern.
To find:
Your love was a gamble.
A game to win.
Engineered…
Seductive.
And malicious.
#loveisnotconfusing
A Girl Trying Things
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